When I was about 14-15 years old someone offered to read my tarot cards, I thought it was fun and to be honest I have always been attracted to the unknown , energies and spirituality, even though I do not practice it consistently. We sat down, I shuffled the cards so they can sense my energy and gave them back to the reader, and the very first thing I heard from the reader was “are you going to be alone forever?”, I was speechless and furious, both at the same time!!! How on earth are you going to throw that question/statement on a teenager that is just starting to live his life and knows nothing about love and relationships? I remember telling him: Wow, your cards do not like me, at all! He tried to change (or fix) a little bit about what he was “getting” from the cards but I was not happy on how things started, honestly, I got sooo scared ! so i ended my session inmediately and never talk about it…until today.
You guys can imagine that his words got stuck on my mind, and now that I am writing about that, I can say that I have lived in fear on believing that what he said was my destiny… to be alone. Many moons have passed since that reading and I am lucky to say I have experienced (and keep experiencing) love in so many different ways, specially the romantic kind. As of today, I have had 3 serious relationships, and have deeply loved 1 of those 3. Even though I fell deeply and blindly in love for, let’s call him “Not The One”, he was not really the one I was looking for. See, we worked good together, we had the same taste in so many things, we both liked wine but we LOVED champagne, we loved traveling and we both loved sex and we were very good at it but the problem was, we did not fall in love for each other at the same time.
“Not The One”, was older than me for 17 years or so (as mostly the 80% men I have dated), he had a brilliant career, he was smart, he was raw when it cames to talking and expressing ideas, he enjoyed cooking as much as he enjoyed going out for dinner. He was as tall as I am and he was soooo handsome, we looked good together… we felt good together. Before you start wondering, why is Stanley referring to that guy in past tense?, It is only because he is not in my life anymore and I am not in his either, talking in past tense is ok, specially when it comes to previous relationships.
The thing with “Not The One”, was his communications skills, they were TERRIBLE… I always had to be the one to start THE TALK when something was off, oh! and the other little issue was, his bisexuality… not that i am against that, I support all types of love, but I was not on the same train as he was and i knew that sooner or later that would be an issue… and it was!
After 10 months together, kissing the same lips every week, feeling the same skin, falling asleep on the same chest, I fell for him… I fought it, though… I did not wanted to, because I thought he was stronger than me and at some point I was going to be the one to get his heart broken. I did not care and I lived my little fairy tale with him, I was crazy proud and crazy in love for him that I accepted being in the shadows, he did not ask for it but when it comes to social activities, we would do things separately. It was something that was “understood” and we did not need to talk about it, well, I actually wanted to talk about it but I kind of “knew” the rules, our “relationship” was kind of like “Kiss and don’t tell” deal. I never went to a friends gathering with him, because no one “knew” he liked dudes too. After almost 3 years together, “we” decided to plan a trip. We planned to spend NYE in NYC (I was still living in Venezuela so it was a BIG DEAL… at least for me), with tickets and everything booked, he ghosted… oh yes! he disappeared and after a few weeks with zero communication, I decided to call him for closure, I got the “ It’s not you, It’s me” speech and he was right, It was him, because later on, I found out he was dating a girl, Epic!
Remember when I told you guys, I knew he would broke my heart? well, that is the proof… there were nothing I could do about it, actually, there were nothing I wanted to do about it. Months passed by, I got over him and I decided to go on that NYE trip on my own, well, at the end of the day, I was the one who wanted to spend NYE in NYC. Even though it was a trip for the books! I remember, while i was seating at the gate waiting for the flight, I dreamed about he coming to the gate, saying: I’m sorry, Tan! I I was an idiot, I love you, Could you forgive me? sooo cheesy! see? big guys like me have a soft (and corny) side LOL.
I did not hear anything from/about him for a long time, I even met another guy and we became boyfriends right away, that only lasted 6 months but it helped me to forget completely about “Not The One”. Time passed and 2 years after, our paths crossed again, I was super honest and told him I was not looking to be serious with him because I did not have that interest towards him anymore, but we could be exclusive sexual partners.. he accepted and we started having fun, spending time together, running errands together and taking care of our bodies needs together, it was perfect, uncomplicated and painless… until the unexpected happened, he fell for me!. I could have taken advantage of that and do the same he did to me years ago, and ghost on him… but the scenario was different, I was not expecting that, and I am sure he was not either. I did not wanted to break his heart on an attempt of revenge, because even though I did not love him anymore the way I did before, I still cared for him… I know, silly me! but it is just the way I am. Right there I understood that I did not come to this world to hurt and leave scars on people or take revenge on people that have hurt me before. I came to this world to live my life, experience what I need to experience and be as happy as I can. “Not The one” and I ended up spending 14 months more together, it was good but I knew that my life needed a change. I knew that “Not The One” wasn’t for me and more importantly, I wasn’t for him, and that was OK. Changes are a constant in my life and to embrace it, I decided to move to USA, Chicago, specifically to see what the city has to offer. 3 nights before my flight, “Not The One” took me out for dinner, we had a really good time, we laughed about everything we did together during those years, and at the end, he cried, like no one has cried for me before, I cried too but my tears were not filled with sadness, they were filled with the good memories we cheered and everything we learned from each other. At the end, I knew he loved me, and I knew he did not wanted to let me go but he also knew, I was already gone, way before that night.
I started a new life in Chicago, everything was new, EVERYTHING… even the dating scene, actually, it has been like a roller coaster, I have dated/met different guys, nice and bad, genuine and fake, single and partnered. From my humble opinion and perspective, Men born in USA are hard to date, there is this whole thing behind, it’s like they need to show themselves unavailable even though they are, the communication is not as steady and clear as it is suppose to be.. I mean, don’t we need to present ourselves as we are when we are getting to know someone? how are we suppose to know if that person is the right match for us if we are only be presented to a completely different version of that person? how are we going to trust somebody that tells you: “I really want to get to know you” when their actions are not aligned to their words? I tell you what I think about this, those men are scare to open up to real love; to real connections, they like you but they do not want to put on the work to make things work, their priorities are: work, work and work… which i know work is important, I am a big workaholic myself, but I work to live, I do not live to work. Annnnd the other thing is since sex is sooo easy to get nowadays, real love and connections have been put in the back burner, and guess what? they are burning away.
The last few years I have tried it all, I also tried long distance relationship, that did not work out but I did enjoy the beginning of it. The last one I tried to get to know, lived 600 miles away from me (let’s call him Little Wolf), I was not very sure about it when we started talking but i was like, let’s give it a try, Stanley… give yourself the opportunity to meet someone that seems genuinely interested in you! and I allowed myself to get to know Little Wolf, I allowed Little Wolf to get to know me. When it comes to get to know someone that does not live in the same city as you do, the communication HAS to be there. maybe a little chat once a day or maybe every other day?, what about a video call once a week? I don’t know! there has to be little signs of interests and communication. I realized I was the one who was putting more effort into this but I was so in need to being in a “relationship” that I didn’t realize that for Little Wolf I was an option, not a priority… I am not blaming him, I am blaming ME for not respect myself and for not end it sooner. Our kisses were amazing and our cuddling sessions before falling asleep were so synced that I got addicted, sex with Little Wolf was ok, it could have been way better but he only worked good on one position (if you know what i meant), and you know, when you are into the person, you kind of let that slick on the side, that was another sign I should have paid attention to, considering that for me, a good sex connection is very important.
When things ended, I was disappointed and angry for some reasons:
What did i do wrong that he did not pay attention to me the way I wanted?
Of course, no one wants to be given the “I don’t think I am looking for something serious… specially given the distance”… silly! we both knew we were living in different cities when we met and still went for it, and now he is going to slap me on the face with that? LOL
Even though I did not fall for Little Wolf, I got to say, I liked him a lot, It took me a few weeks to get over it and understand that sooner or later it would not have worked, and I do not think distance was a big issue here, the big issue here was, we both were looking for something different and we pretended otherwise.
I could have also talked about all my experiences in love but wanted to present to you two different experiences I have had that I am sure a lot of people can relate to and say, that have happened to me! some people want love and some people only want to add a number to their list… maybe at some point we all have added a number (or maybe two) to the list, not knowing that we might be hurting someone, I have! and I am terrible sorry for that, but I also talked to the person, face to face, and took complete responsibility for it, and i know it hurt him but also i hurt myself because that is not who i am.
Some friends have asked me advices when it comes to love, dating, and I always tell them I am not the one to give advices when it comes to that matter but I can definitely provide feedback on what I would have done in that situation. Speaking of, A very good friend of mine asked me one day: Stanley, I was talking to this guy for a few weeks and finally we met, the connection was there and we had sex in our first date, I do not know what did i do wrong but we have not talked ever since. I could tell based on my friend’s face, he was worried and he felt bad about it. I told him he needed to stop blaming himself and taking responsibility for other’s actions. My friend didn’t do anything wrong, on the other hand, the other guy should have been clear since the beginning in what he wanted, so both could have had the opportunity to decide what to do before messing things up.
I will never have either right or wrong answers when it comes to love but thanks to my experience, I can say that now I know what I want and I also know when to say no, stop the world and turn on another direction. Sometimes I have felt my look gets in the way and guys only cares about my body instead of who I am as a person, what I have to offer, what are my likes and dislikes. Folks, dating can be messy and complicated but I believe that when you find THE ONE, all of that goes away, both become available for each other, making plans is easy and communication is there. We only need to pay attention to those red flags, we have to be honest to the people we are connecting to but most importantly we have to be honest to ourselves, there is a saying that goes like this: “If you want different results, make different choices”, and it’s true, we have to get rid off those actions/routines that are leading us to live the same experience over and over again. Let’s put in the work because I am sure there is SOMEONE GREAT out there for each one of us!
